There is sickness in our home once again. Blah. I get so stressed out worrying about the health of my family. This time it is baby Reed again. Temperature since Friday that has reached 102.5 at times. Many showers to cool him down, a trip to the dr, a trip to urgent care, vomiting, prescriptions x2. Mom stressed, dad exhausted and big sissy now saying she is a sick baby, pretend crying saying waa waa, baby sick hold me. It could be so much worse, I know this but still struggle during each illness we seem to catch every month. I just spent the last hour with my sick son sleeping on my chest and hymns playing softly in the back round on the speakers. I am once again reminded to take the good from each situation. It has been nice to have a cuddly little boy vs. my little ball of anti cuddle energy, although I would much rather have him well I can't deny that he has been the sweetest little guy these past few days to cuddle with. I'm just working on him getting all better so he can fully enjoy his FIRST BIRTHDAY next week.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
I feel like maybe I didn't deal with my moms death the healthiest way...... I just didn't talk much about it. I still don't really. I don't like to cry, or bring things that make me sad into my thoughts too often, but it's something that happened and talking about it helps me remember her and feel closer to her as we are coming up on her being gone 3years next month. There are a few things I really want to document for my own children, especially little Elizabeth to read in case she ever feels she may not be important or have a purpose.....
I always thought babies were cute but never found myself "baby hungry" until one particular time in my life. As soon as the hunger struck I could not think about anything else except getting pregnant and having a baby. Luck would have it that one try led to a positive pregnancy test. I was sitting on our bed one night talking with Porter and I just started crying. I said," I know we are pregnant, I can just feel it, and I know it is a girl." A week later the pee stick confirmed this. We drove up to Mesa that weekend so we could tell the family. We told porters parents over dinner at Mattas along with some of his siblings. Then it came time to tell my parents. I was so excited, seeing that this was to be their FIRST grandchild. I called my mom and said,"We are coming over to see you guys before we head back home." She replied," Good, I will invite your brothers over too." We walked inside and everyone was around the dinner table. I was so excited to share the news I could barley contain myself. My parents right off the bat said they had something they needed to tell us. My dad said," mom has brain cancer, and lung cancer as well, it is stage 4 and inoperable." Instantly I felt as if a ton of bricks had hit me to say the least, like the air was knocked out of me, like any excited or good feeling was stolen right out of my being. I instantly started balling and turned to my mother on my left looking into her eyes I pleaded," You can't go anywhere, you are going to be a grandma." Her deep brown eyes turned so warm, comforting, and loving as she asked," Are you pregnant?" I could not even speak so I just nodded. My mom wrapped her arms around me but it wasn't the blissful congratulations I had dreamed about. It was a very bitter but still sweet moment. I then knew why this little one was due to come at this time in my life, in my entire families life. She was our hope, our light, the only thing that could Brighten the situation ( where her middle name came from Brighten). And she did just that. The days turned to weeks and the weeks into a few short months....my mom got sicker, weaker and less coherent. Her last x ray confirmed it had spread and we were told she had about 2 weeks. A few days after my dad had told me her weeks were few was when it was confirmed I was indeed going to have a daughter. We drove straight to my parents house to tell them the news and my mom was on many medications to give her comfort at this time. I remember her laying on the couch and telling her I was going to have a girl. She repeated,"its a girl" and that was the last time I really felt like she was focused enough to understand what I was saying. This was all on a Thursday and she passed that Sunday afternoon. I can remember having times where I would be driving in my car and have the deepest sorrow all around me. I can remember at that same time feeling complete comfort knowing I was not alone but indeed had this little girl right inside keeping me company. I remember questioning why my mom had to be taken before she could even meet this little one but also feeling grateful that Elizabeth was not here and didn't have to see me this sad or depressed. It gave me 4 months to heal and refocus on all that I have been blessed with instead of what I had lost. I learned in this time that our Father in Heaven will never give us a trial that we can not handle. You may need something or someone to help get you through but you will get through it. I have learned when times are hard that is when you must focus on what you have been given the most. I have learned to be grateful for all I have been given and not take for granted the people you love the most. I have learned to send that random card or e mail that says you care, and why, because you will never regret it, but only regret not doing so. And I have gained a testimony that these precious children do not just come on coincidence but come at an exact time with a definite purpose. This is just the beginning of my sweet Elizabeth's greatness I know and she has the most wonderful guardian angel to help her along:)
with love Porter and Karla at 1:45 PM
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
and found mr. husband asleep on the couch, and guess what I did..... yes layed right on top of him and he wrapped his all encompassing arms around me. I can honestly say this is the best my marriage has ever been, I am in L.O.V.E. and I don't say this to have anyone ooh or ahhh over it but simply to put into words for myself the things I have started to realize about marriage and myself. I have learned to loosen up and be easier on the person I love the most. I have learned that a little time to ourselves equals better time when we are together. I have learned to cuddle close at the end of the day instead of whisk off to myself time and I have learned to never stop giving my all to the person you are to love most.
Last night mr. husband decided to watch my favorite show with me after the kids were asleep. He thought the men on the show were so lame that he laughed out loud. He has this contagious laugh so I was L.O.L. too, this somehow turned into him saying there was something in his ice cream and he had a nice case of the randoms and we just laughed. It had been a while. I don't know if its that I'm not pregnant, not suffering from the loss of my mom as bad, or that I'm getting a full nights sleep finally but we are just clicking. Its only been 5yrs we have been married but it has sure had its challenges. Not to say they are over but I am starting to see the circle of a marriage.....happiness..... happiness is tested..... if you endure and work together in less happiness......more happiness is achieved..... and thus I am in most happiness as of now. Optimistic it will stay this way though.
with love Porter and Karla at 11:07 PM
Monday, June 21, 2010
with love Porter and Karla at 7:05 PM
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Porter is the type of dad who makes it fun to brush your teeth.
with love Porter and Karla at 10:08 PM
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
so I like to watch the Bachelorette....It is one of my MANY imperfections..... but I love the show. Last night as I watched I thought to myself," I wish my husband was this cute to me, or did this, or said that." I get like that sometimes....you know ....stupid girl syndrome. Then today Elizabeth wanted to watch our wedding video. It just so happens we celebrated our 5 YR anniversary while on our recent Cali trip. So we put in the video and I cried for the 100th time watching it and I saw that sweet, innocent, new love that I saw in my lame show the previous night but I saw so much more. I saw an eternal love and today I see an evolved love. I see a man who may not surprise me with roses but a man who takes the kids early in the morning on the weekends so mom can sleep.( so much better then roses) A man who stays up late to have time with me even if he has to wake up with the sun the next day. A man who loves me with the 30 lbs I gain and TRY to loose each pregnancy, and a man who adores me thru and thru and who isn't afraid to show it. I forget that this marriage of mine is REAL not some TV show, and that although everyday may not have some blog worthy story it still adds to the pages of my love story that I am so lucky to be a part of. I am blessed.
with love Porter and Karla at 11:01 PM
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Tired! We had a week long visit to California and went to Disneyland , the beach, San diego zoo and Sea World. Thus my lack of blogging but I'm optimistic you all missed me as much as I missed reading everyones blogs.....Here is just a glimpse of how worn out be became.... Picture is taken at Disneyland where Elizabeth is wearing her princess dress, tinkerbell wings and has her face painted. There was nothing sweeter then seeing a 2 yr old little girl have all her princess movies come to life. More pictures and details to come....when I'm not so tired!
with love Porter and Karla at 3:26 PM