Welcome to my blog. . . .

I am pessimistict, my husband hates it and sometimes it takes away from the happiness I have all around me and so. . . this blog is dedicated to finding something good in each day and being optimistic.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

I usually dont talk too much about this.....

I feel like maybe I didn't deal with my moms death the healthiest way...... I just didn't talk much about it. I still don't really. I don't like to cry, or bring things that make me sad into my thoughts too often, but it's something that happened and talking about it helps me remember her and feel closer to her as we are coming up on her being gone 3years next month. There are a few things I really want to document for my own children, especially little Elizabeth to read in case she ever feels she may not be important or have a purpose.....

I always thought babies were cute but never found myself "baby hungry" until one particular time in my life. As soon as the hunger struck I could not think about anything else except getting pregnant and having a baby. Luck would have it that one try led to a positive pregnancy test. I was sitting on our bed one night talking with Porter and I just started crying. I said," I know we are pregnant, I can just feel it, and I know it is a girl." A week later the pee stick confirmed this. We drove up to Mesa that weekend so we could tell the family. We told porters parents over dinner at Mattas along with some of his siblings. Then it came time to tell my parents. I was so excited, seeing that this was to be their FIRST grandchild. I called my mom and said,"We are coming over to see you guys before we head back home." She replied," Good, I will invite your brothers over too." We walked inside and everyone was around the dinner table. I was so excited to share the news I could barley contain myself. My parents right off the bat said they had something they needed to tell us. My dad said," mom has brain cancer, and lung cancer as well, it is stage 4 and inoperable." Instantly I felt as if a ton of bricks had hit me to say the least, like the air was knocked out of me, like any excited or good feeling was stolen right out of my being. I instantly started balling and turned to my mother on my left looking into her eyes I pleaded," You can't go anywhere, you are going to be a grandma." Her deep brown eyes turned so warm, comforting, and loving as she asked," Are you pregnant?" I could not even speak so I just nodded. My mom wrapped her arms around me but it wasn't the blissful congratulations I had dreamed about. It was a very bitter but still sweet moment. I then knew why this little one was due to come at this time in my life, in my entire families life. She was our hope, our light, the only thing that could Brighten the situation ( where her middle name came from Brighten). And she did just that. The days turned to weeks and the weeks into a few short months....my mom got sicker, weaker and less coherent. Her last x ray confirmed it had spread and we were told she had about 2 weeks. A few days after my dad had told me her weeks were few was when it was confirmed I was indeed going to have a daughter. We drove straight to my parents house to tell them the news and my mom was on many medications to give her comfort at this time. I remember her laying on the couch and telling her I was going to have a girl. She repeated,"its a girl" and that was the last time I really felt like she was focused enough to understand what I was saying. This was all on a Thursday and she passed that Sunday afternoon. I can remember having times where I would be driving in my car and have the deepest sorrow all around me. I can remember at that same time feeling complete comfort knowing I was not alone but indeed had this little girl right inside keeping me company. I remember questioning why my mom had to be taken before she could even meet this little one but also feeling grateful that Elizabeth was not here and didn't have to see me this sad or depressed. It gave me 4 months to heal and refocus on all that I have been blessed with instead of what I had lost. I learned in this time that our Father in Heaven will never give us a trial that we can not handle. You may need something or someone to help get you through but you will get through it. I have learned when times are hard that is when you must focus on what you have been given the most. I have learned to be grateful for all I have been given and not take for granted the people you love the most. I have learned to send that random card or e mail that says you care, and why, because you will never regret it, but only regret not doing so. And I have gained a testimony that these precious children do not just come on coincidence but come at an exact time with a definite purpose. This is just the beginning of my sweet Elizabeth's greatness I know and she has the most wonderful guardian angel to help her along:)

12 notes:

TrishAnderson said...

Sweet post - I am sure they did meet; on the other side of the veil as one left and one came. I agree she most certainly does have a great guardian angel. I haven't lost a parent, but i have lost a set of grandparents who were so close to me that they were another set of parents. I too was pregnant at that time and understand what you are saying. Your mom is so proud of you and what you are accomplishing. Keep up the positive attitude.

Jen&Joe said...

Such a great post Karla! I do know exactly how you feel! Not having my dad with us anymore.. So hard.. I am so glad i have a friend like you! We were made to be friends/Roomies. i love you!

The Bella Life said...

Incredible post Karla. You had me in tears and inspired me all at once. You're right... your children have an amazing guardian angel watching over them.

keighley poulsen fleming
www.thebellalifeblog.com

David and Shalynna said...

Karla, I have not been much of a blogger lately but I'm so glad I came to your blog and read this. You are so sweet and I admire you so much for your strength! I adored your mom. I am so glad that we were friends in junior high and high school and we got to know each other's families. It's not the same now that we are older and we make friends- they don't become close to our families like our childhood friends did. I'm thankful for the memories!

What a wonderful way of looking at your trial. I'm so glad you have your beautiful little family to comfort you when you miss your mom the most. You are a wonderful mother to your children because you learned from a wonderful mother!

P.S. I watch the Bachelorette too. Don't ask me why I do. I don't watch any other show except The Price is Right and sometimes American Idol (when it's on). For some reason I can't get enough of sleezy, cheesy, and waste of my time Bachelorette. Who's your favorite? Miss you!

Alexa Mae said...

Karla, this made me cry. You are so strong and I admire you. I am so honored to be your friend. You know you are my own "Brighten" right? Your attitude is amazing. I love you. I'm always here for you but I have a feeling you already know that. ;) mwan!

Tara said...

I haven't been reading others blogs lately but for some reason I clicked on this post. How amazing and inspiring! I have never heard the story of how things all came about, and I just can't believe it. I love the meaning behind Brighten. Thanks for sharing.

P.S. I totally watch the Bachelor & Bachlorette, I know its totally fake and ridiculous but I still watch it! And actually Wes loves it too!

SloneFamily said...

You're amazing. The thought of it makes me shudder. I feel the need to hug you and tell you how wonderful you are--- HUGS-----. Really Karla, I mean I am just speechless. You are right, The good Lord never gives us anything we can't handle, you are one strong girl. Love you!

The Elders said...

Karla I am seriously in tears right now! You are amazing. I'm grateful that we have these little ones, they all do come with a purpose...right when we need them!

britney said...

Wow. What a touching story. Thanks for making me cry. Sometimes its hearing something like this that makes me wake up and realize not to take so many things for granted. Thanks! you have a beautiful family.

Brittany said...

Hello, you don't know me at all but i came across your blog a long time ago and im glad i read this because i am in the same situation... no not pregnant nor married but my mom has had cancer since i was 12 and now im 21. I just always have in the back of my head why my mom. But im glad you helped me realize that it will be ok. Its hard to think about sometimes and i always question if she will be here when i get married or have my first baby, and i get jealous my sister got her with both of those things.. but i really do need to enjoy the time i have with her because i know i will regret it if i don't. thanks again!

JT, Britt & Bella said...

I am so sorry that you have had to go through this, but from reading I know that you have handled it so well. Thanks for your inspiring posts, You are such a sweet girl and a great mommy, those kids are lucky to have you as their mom and I am sure your mom thinks that daily looking down on you and your special family :)

Molly said...

Karla,

You may not remember me, this is Molly Turk Watts, but I just came across your blog. The title intrigued me and it has had a positive influence on me. I got goosebumps while reading this post.... but more than that, I felt the spirit and your testimony. I have a testimony of this as well. Thank you for sharing.

Molly