I usually dont talk too much about this.....

I feel like maybe I didn't deal with my moms death the healthiest way...... I just didn't talk much about it. I still don't really. I don't like to cry, or bring things that make me sad into my thoughts too often, but it's something that happened and talking about it helps me remember her and feel closer to her as we are coming up on her being gone 3years next month. There are a few things I really want to document for my own children, especially little Elizabeth to read in case she ever feels she may not be important or have a purpose.....

I always thought babies were cute but never found myself "baby hungry" until one particular time in my life. As soon as the hunger struck I could not think about anything else except getting pregnant and having a baby. Luck would have it that one try led to a positive pregnancy test. I was sitting on our bed one night talking with Porter and I just started crying. I said," I know we are pregnant, I can just feel it, and I know it is a girl." A week later the pee stick confirmed this. We drove up to Mesa that weekend so we could tell the family. We told porters parents over dinner at Mattas along with some of his siblings. Then it came time to tell my parents. I was so excited, seeing that this was to be their FIRST grandchild. I called my mom and said,"We are coming over to see you guys before we head back home." She replied," Good, I will invite your brothers over too." We walked inside and everyone was around the dinner table. I was so excited to share the news I could barley contain myself. My parents right off the bat said they had something they needed to tell us. My dad said," mom has brain cancer, and lung cancer as well, it is stage 4 and inoperable." Instantly I felt as if a ton of bricks had hit me to say the least, like the air was knocked out of me, like any excited or good feeling was stolen right out of my being. I instantly started balling and turned to my mother on my left looking into her eyes I pleaded," You can't go anywhere, you are going to be a grandma." Her deep brown eyes turned so warm, comforting, and loving as she asked," Are you pregnant?" I could not even speak so I just nodded. My mom wrapped her arms around me but it wasn't the blissful congratulations I had dreamed about. It was a very bitter but still sweet moment. I then knew why this little one was due to come at this time in my life, in my entire families life. She was our hope, our light, the only thing that could Brighten the situation ( where her middle name came from Brighten). And she did just that. The days turned to weeks and the weeks into a few short months....my mom got sicker, weaker and less coherent. Her last x ray confirmed it had spread and we were told she had about 2 weeks. A few days after my dad had told me her weeks were few was when it was confirmed I was indeed going to have a daughter. We drove straight to my parents house to tell them the news and my mom was on many medications to give her comfort at this time. I remember her laying on the couch and telling her I was going to have a girl. She repeated,"its a girl" and that was the last time I really felt like she was focused enough to understand what I was saying. This was all on a Thursday and she passed that Sunday afternoon. I can remember having times where I would be driving in my car and have the deepest sorrow all around me. I can remember at that same time feeling complete comfort knowing I was not alone but indeed had this little girl right inside keeping me company. I remember questioning why my mom had to be taken before she could even meet this little one but also feeling grateful that Elizabeth was not here and didn't have to see me this sad or depressed. It gave me 4 months to heal and refocus on all that I have been blessed with instead of what I had lost. I learned in this time that our Father in Heaven will never give us a trial that we can not handle. You may need something or someone to help get you through but you will get through it. I have learned when times are hard that is when you must focus on what you have been given the most. I have learned to be grateful for all I have been given and not take for granted the people you love the most. I have learned to send that random card or e mail that says you care, and why, because you will never regret it, but only regret not doing so. And I have gained a testimony that these precious children do not just come on coincidence but come at an exact time with a definite purpose. This is just the beginning of my sweet Elizabeth's greatness I know and she has the most wonderful guardian angel to help her along:)