optimistic obsessions

I woke up Monday with mild spotting. 15 weeks pregnant and spotting is like ice cream with pepperonies. Just not good. I basically stalked my way into the dr that day when they took forever to call me back. I called. Called some more. Went with a friend who randomly happened to have an appointment with the same dr just to have them call me back as I was in the waiting room with her. The dr saw me that day although he may have thought I was borderline crazy. When it comes to my family there isn't anything I wont to do make sure they are safe and sound. This my my first appointment with him mind you so his first impression of me may not be the best but hey I would rather be the crazy concerned mom rather then the whatever mom. Right? Right. So I tell him Im spotting and I lay back to have an ultra sound. Joy,relief and tears all came as I saw this little one wiggle and squirm inside. The dr explained that my placenta has a tear and it is bleeding. Baby is good but we need to have the placenta heal. He showed me a blood clot near my cervix. He said this is not normal but it is common. I was told bed rest was the only thing that could do the trick. More bleeding could have a bad result but that these usually heal on their own with rest. As all these concerns took over I thought to myself.....,"I could use some good news right about now." so I asked if he could see what I was having. That little one just then positioned perfectly and we saw what the gender was. I left feeling glad that my baby was safe but worried about the upcoming weeks and how I was going to manage bed rest with a three and one year old. I called porter on my way home....."Porter, I just went to the dr. the placenta has a tear, I was told bed rest but your little girl looks perfect and healthy."
If you read my previous posts you know I have already felt like I have been sick or out of sorts for weeks now. We just moved two weeks ago and I was already feeling a little overwhelmed with the changes. As of now I'm on bed rest until the end of the month and then we will see from there. I'm at a time in my life where I am striving to find out what my tasks are in is life. I am trying to exercise faith in hopes that it will grow stronger. I feel like I am currently being given many opportunities to learn of the faith I am capable of possessing but it is a hard hard thing to do. I know without a doubt if I can hold onto faith that I will come out a stronger, happier, more confident and hopeful person but getting there has it's challenges. I feel like for weeks, even months now I have been given the chance to build stronger faith and with that opportunity comes opposition. Just as I believe in a Father in heaven I also know of Satan who is present as well. I know he is there striving to take away from this faith building experience and he does that by instilling fear into my being, he presents doubt in front of me. It is my choice to choose faith or fear. I can feel the battle taking place and sometimes it is hard to not think of all that is wrong, or could go wrong. But I'm striving to be positive. To replace doubt with hope. The fear with faith. I'm learning the greater meaning of trusting in the Lord, trusting in His plan. Sometimes it is hard. Sometimes the entire world seems to be showing us all is lost or a bad outcome lerks ahead but if He whispered to me all will be well then the ball is now in my court to stand by Him, have faith in HIm and trust in HIm. I have so many things that have me wondering what is coming but I just need to remind myself that whatever does come its part of HIs plan. He is there through it all and most importantly HE wants me to be happy, to have joy sometimes it just takes us leaning a little bit more on HIm to find it.
Thank you to wonderful friends and family. For the help this week, the flowers, and the long talks. You have no idea the love I have for you.